Sing-A-Long!

This morning, as I got on my hands and knees to clean up the second warm puddle of urine my darling son decided to leave for me on the carpet, I was inspired to write a song.

I felt a bit like Francis Scott Key, imprisoned and watching a battle wage out his window (or in my case, my family room), and then deciding to pen the words to what would become our national anthem (at least according my sixth grade music teacher Mr. Smith--someone please let me know if this is one of those things we learn as children but turns out to be waaaaay wrong--although I don't know if I want to know that's not how our national anthem was written. Finding out I had it wrong this whole time would be like when I discovered Pluto was no longer considered a planet: Excuse me? Pluto's not a planet? Well, that throws off my whole mnemonic device....Dammit).

Anyway, without further ado, here is my song. If you know the tune to 'Blowing in the Wind', please feel free to hum along....

How many times will he pee on the floor

before he is potty traaaaiined?

How many times will she bite my shoulder

till she knows that she's causing me paaaiiiin?

How many days will he go with no nap

until I'm declared insaaaaane?

He's two-and-a-half, and drives me up a wall

and she's finally learning to crawl.

How many times will he sit on her back

till I rip all my hair out and screeeaaam?

How many times will she poop in the tub

till we call in a hazmat teeeeaam?

And how many nights will I skip my rem sleep

till I forget how to dreeeeaaam?

He's two-and-a-half, and drives me up a wall

and she's finally learning to crawl

How many times will I go to Target

before every cashier knows my naaaame?

How many trips will we take to the mall

to ride on that goofy-ass traaaaiiin?

And how many times will we watch Wonder Pets

till it's forever tattooed in my braaaaaiiin?

He's two-and-a-half, and drives me up a wall

and she's finally learning to crawl.

Yes, he's two-and-a-half, and drives me up a wall

and she's finally learning to craaaaaawwwwl.

Thank you...I'll be here all night....