Start Your Search Engines

On my blog is a counter through Google Analytics that also keeps track of key words people Google that leads them to my site.  Usually the keywords are straight-forward, no doubt leading the searchers to what they were looking for: Motherhood Is Easy, Blog, Rebekah Hunter Scott, etc.

Sometimes, however, the keywords are hilarious.  Here are some of my favorites:

My Dog Got Hit In The Eye With A Pine Cone What Do I Do -- I guess that brought this person to the She's Not Crafty entry.  I picture this person reading about me making a pathetic excuse for a bird-feeder while this person's poor dog lay there with a pine cone sticking out of its eyeball, waiting for his master to hurry up and take him to the vet.

What Do You Do When Your Husband Thinks Motherhood Is Easy With One Child? -- I'm not sure which entry this could have led her to, but I wish it had led her straight to my phone, so I could tell her that next time her husband thinks something like that to tell him to F*ck Off.

Children Playing With Poop -- Ah, yes. Poor person probably walked in on his/her darling children giggling with glee as they smeared their own excrement on each other, the walls, the floor, the dog.... I'm sure some screaming went on that morning, too.  See the Sir Poop-A-Lot entry for a refresher course on the horrors of poop being anywhere but the toilet (and sometimes it's pretty horrible when it's there, too).

Flock Seagull -- My site popped up because my children make me want to run.  Run so far away.

Motherhood Dust Bunnies -- Maybe this person was looking for a support group that equates Motherhood to Dust Bunnies.  Motherhood is the couch under which things that are gross--dust, hair, crumbs, fuchsia Barbie shoes--collect and turn into something with a cute name that almost sounds like a pet you'd like to have.  All metaphors aside, the Fishing For Bunnies entry is always a crowd-pleaser, so I hope this person at least got a chuckle out of my lack of house-keeping and innovative ways to keep my children entertained while I try to make dinner.

Do English Rollies Mask The Smell -- A-Whaaaaa?

Let Mommy Do It -- Damn right.  Otherwise it'll be done incorrectly.

Vasectomy Jeff -- Maybe Jeff himself googled about getting a vasectomy after spending fifteen minutes alone with our children while I ran to the store.

Still Wears Diapers -- Aren't we all convinced, at one point or another in our child's early years, that he or she is NEVER going to be potty trained?  Haven't we all worried that diaper sizes only go up to 6, and wondered what on earth we were going to do when our child was in school and needed us to come in with a diaper bag and wipes and change him between classes?  I know I have.

Baby Child Obedience Training Throwing Food From High Chair -- Yeah....that's a toughie.  Short of buying a choke-collar and a taser to keep our babies from throwing food, there's not much that can be done.  My advice to this Googler would be to invest in a dog.  At least then she won't be wasting money on Swiffer cloths.

How To Make Motherhood Easier -- Alcohol.

Ten Inch And A Half Toy Semis -- According to Wikipedia, a Semis was a small Roman bronze coin that was valued at half an As (also a roman coin--the plural of which is Asses.  I can't make this stuff up, folks).  So if this person was indeed trying to google a place where he could find a ten-and-a-half inch toy broze coin, he/she was likely disappointed when my site popped up.  More likely, though, this is a poorly phrased, misspelled attempt to find an adult toy.  In which case, the resulting display of my blog was equally disappointing.

Actually Spanked -- I think this one led the Googler to my Mother By Numbers entry, where I list the number of times I should have spanked Rollie and the number of times I actually spanked him.  Yes, there was an enormous disparity between these two figures.

Motherhood And Doing Nothing -- Must have been a husband/baby-daddy googling this little phrase.  Any woman with kids knows that those two things--Motherhood and Doing Nothing--do not belong anywhere near the same sentence, paragraph, page, book, or even libraries within a 50-mile radius of each other.  Some guy probably noticed that the mother of his children was actually sitting for two consecutive seconds and thought, Huh.  She's doing nothing right now.  What's all this complaining about motherhood being difficult?  She's all about Motherhood And Doing Nothing.  Dick.

So there you have it.  Sometimes we find things we didn't even know we were googling for.