Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Appetite For Destruction

Rollie has a new favorite game.

It's called Smash 'Em, and it is played as follows:

Step 1.  Roll the big plastic semi truck that currently holds forty Matchbox cars from your bedroom and down the hall.
Step 2.  Park the semi in the middle of the kitchen floor, preferably when Momma is in the middle of fixing a meal...preferably dinner--this is when Baby Els is screaming because she wants to play in the recycle bin and empty the dregs from crushed beer cans all over her pants and Momma won't let her.
Step 3.  Attempt to open one side of the semi to release twenty of the cars.
Step 4.  Say, "Momma, can you help me open this, please?"
Step 5.  Repeat step 4.
Step 6.  Repeat step 5, ten decibels more loudly.
Step 7.  Repeat step 6, now standing up and tugging on Momma's shirt.
Step 8.  When Momma says, "Oh Rollie, do you have to do that right this second?  Can you go play Smash 'Em in the foyer?" say, "No, I can't.  I want to share with Baby Els," even though your definition of sharing with Baby Els is yanking from her sticky hands each car she picks up and replacing it with a fistful of dog fur you find in the corner of the kitchen.
Step 9.  Giggle with glee when Momma finally obliges your request as she mumbles something about wishing Dadda would hurry up and get home.
Step 10. Attempt to open the other side of the semi to release the other twenty cars.
Step 11. Repeat steps 4 through 9, except now when Momma opens the other side of the semi, she mumbles something about needing a drink.
Step 12. Select your favorite super-fast race car and hold it between your thumb and index finger.
Step 13. Ram your super-fast race car into the closest car to it, sending that car skittering across the floor and underneath the oven.
Step 14. Repeat step 13, only when you smash the next car, shout "SMASH!" at the top of your lungs.
Step 15. Crawl over to Baby Els and snatch away the car she is playing with.
Step 16. Apologize to Baby Els when she starts to cry, and search frantically for a tumbleweed of dog fur before Momma realizes what's going on and sends you to your room.
Step 17. Repeat step 14.
Step 18. Look up, startled, when Momma suddenly lets out a yell.  Realize she's just stepped on your red, 1965 Shelby Mustang.
Step 19. Apologize to Momma for having your cars all over the kitchen.
Step 20. Repeat step 17.
Step 21. Repeat step 20.
Step 22. Run to the linen closet when Momma orders you to get Mr. Yardstick to retrieve all seventeen cars that you have sent sliding under the oven.
Step 23. Manage to retrieve five cars, a tupperware lid, a crazy straw, two dust bunnies, and a refrigerator magnet.
Step 24. Abandon Smash 'Em, leaving roughly 22 cars strewn around the kitchen, because you just heard the theme song to Wonder Pets playing on the TV in the next room.
Step 25. Run back into the kitchen because Momma is yelling at you to not even think about leaving your cars everywhere.
Step 26. Hastily throw a few cars back into the semi, stealthily stick a few more back under the oven to see what happens, and kick the rest of them across the kitchen on your way back to the TV room for more Wonder Pets.
Step 27. Return to the kitchen after Momma threatens to call upon the Toy Fairy to confiscate any and all cars that are not put away properly.
Step 28. Snatch another car away from Baby Els.
Step 29. Scream because Baby Els has bitten your forearm in retaliation.
Step 30. Scramble to sit at the table to eat your dinner, because apparently Momma has been telling you five times already to do so and is now threatening to feed your dinner to the dog (which you plan on doing anyway).

That's the game!  Doesn't it sound fun?  I can definitely see why he loves it so much.  It has to be the loudest, least constructive game on the planet.  Which is probably why he wants to play it All The Time. That's how it is with little boys....the louder and more destructive the game, the better.  If he could somehow incorporate alligators and baseball into this game, and if I could keep him in a soundproof booth while he played it, we would both be blissfully, eternally happy.....

No comments:

Post a Comment