Potty training is a marathon. A messy, unpredictable, stinky, two-year marathon. Don't give up, and make sure to drink along the way.
When throwing a birthday party for a 2-year-old, you can never go wrong with a big pinata. Just make sure your male guests are standing far, far back from any disoriented preschoolers wielding giant clubs.
When using a breast pump on an airplane, make sure to sit in a window seat. That creepy guy in 24D is dying to catch a glimpse of what's going on beneath that coverup.
Frozen bagels make wonderful teethers. So do washcloths, pizza crusts, wallets, coffee table edges, pieces of dog food and two-year-old brothers.
Don't fill Easter eggs with anything that can spoil. You may forget where you hid one until July, when your dog finds in in the couch, tears it apart and rolls around in it, thinking he's found a rotten bone he buried long ago.
When taking a cartrip that's longer than 20 minutes, bring an endless supply of Dumdums. Dumdums are the crack-cocaine of the preschool world.
Make your kids listen to music you like. They don't care, as long as it's something they can hear over and over. Just make sure you're prepared to listen to your old They Might Be Giants CD three hundred million times in a row.
The best Halloween costumes are ones you make yourself (see Holy Sheet It's Halloween for clarification).
When your one-year-old daughter starts throwing food on the floor, thrashing around in her high chair, rubbing bananas in her hair and screaming with such force that her neck veins come dangerously close to rupturing, she's finished with her dinner.
Children under three won't care if their Christmas stockings are filled with leftover goody bag treats from their own birthday parties, half-packs of gum from your purse, and Halloween candy you hid on top of the fridge and forgot about for two months. As long as they're stockings are empty Christmas Eve and full Christmas morning, they're happier than pigs in you-know-what.
Don't feel bad if you can't stay up until midnight on New Years Eve. Someday you'll be human again, but for the next 50 years or so, you're gonna need your beauty rest.